January 2012
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December 2011
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November 2011
20 posts
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SWR is FREE!
Omg, we’re sooooo excited!!
Our favorite seXXXy knight was just released from the Tower of London. Now he’s off to do courageous knight things like conduct an expedition to Venezuela to search for the El Dorado. We don’t know what that means but it sounds mysterious!!
Take us with you, we’ll be good we promise!!!
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PocaHOntas is Preggers
Well, they sure didn’t waste any time!
For anyone who cares, newlyweds PocaHOntas and John Rolfe are having a baby! We’re not good at math or anything, but their announcement came awfully soon after their wedding. We wonder if they cheated a little bit by fornicating before PocaHOntas was baptized and they were officially married. Hmmm…
We bet they’re soo excited. We...
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Separated At Birth
Left: Mary Queen of Scots (executed for treason) Right: Anne Knollys (sister of Anne Boleyn, executed for treason by her husband, King Henry VIII)
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Venus Ain't So Cute From Behind!!
Good thing that mirror isn’t floor length or she’d have a heart attack!!! Just look at that BIG nasty butt!!
Peter Paul Rubens painted this oil painting, “Venus at a Mirror”, which he is presenting as the “ultimate symbol of beauty”.
We’re not sure if he’s JKing, but if this is beauty we WANT to be ugly!! And what’s with the floating...
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True Love??
We bet his first wife is crying in Heaven after hearing this news!
John Rolfe, well-known for planting the first tobacco crops in the New World, is marrying the daughter of a local Indian chief. As if marrying the enemy isn’t bad enough, his fiancé isn’t even Christian!!
Here’s an excerpt from a letter he wrote to the father of the bride:
“Motivated by the honor of...
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Bye-bye New World
This place is cursed!!
After months of supply shortages, the people of Jamestown have called it quits. The few remaining survivors of the once promising settlement are packing up and sailing back to their REAL home.
Well, the New World was a nice idea while it lasted. See ya soon, morons!
UPDATE: Soon after they set sail for home, they met ships coming from England carrying supplies and new...
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Thomas Ravenscroft's NEW Song!
Our music prayers have been answered!! If you haven’t already heard, Thomas Ravenscroft wrote a new song about blind mice and it’s soooo good.
The lyrics are:
“Three Blinde Mice, Three Blinde Mice, Dame Iulian, Dame Iulian, the Miller and his merry olde Wife, she scrapte her tripe licke thou the knife. ”
Finally something NEW in the music scene! Hopefully he...
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OH NO! Fire Destroys Jamestown!!
Good grief, can’t these guys catch a break??
A fire has apparently destroyed most of the Jamestown colony and it’s the middle of January!! It’s going to take months before repairs are completed.
We hope they know how to quilt because they’re going to need a TON of blankets!!!
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Completely Gratuitous
Oooh, Sir Walter Raleigh, why must you be so yummy??
We’d steer his ship any day of the week! LOL!!!
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SIGHTing
Guess who we saw buying supplies in town today? Captain Christopher Newport of the stupidly named ship Susan Constant, the largest of the three ships that sailed from England to the colony of Jamestown.
Couldn’t someone else have brought Jamestown supplies??? Why did he come ALL the way back to England to get more?? We have a hunch that he returned to shack up with some English...
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Local Indians Attack New Settlement
Someone needs to teach these Savages some manners!!
200 Indians attacked Jamestown killing two and wounding ten. The President of Jamestown has ordered that they strengthen the fort and arm the people to help prevent any harm in future attacks.
Sources say:
“Hereupon the President was contented the Fort should be pallisadoed, the ordinance mounted, his men armed and exercised, for many...
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Quote of the Day
“A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.”
- William Shakespeare from his play “As You Like It”
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Godspeed to the New World!
Wow. After the disaster that happened at Roanoke, we hope those ships are carrying plenty of guns!
The Company of London, started by King James I to set up colonization in the New World, has launched its first expedition. Three ships, Godspeed, Discovery and Susan Constant, carrying 144 men and boys have arrived in the New World to start a new settlement.
Godspeed, Discovery and… Susan...
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SWR Found Guilty
Say it ain’t so!
Our boyfriend, Sir Walter Raleigh (who plans to colonize the New World), has been thrown into the notorious Tower of London for his alleged involvement in the plotting against King James I. Although he was found guilty, his life has thankfully been spared. The plot to overthrow the King is said to have been funded by Spain.
Tsk tsk, we thought you were better than that....
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HUH? Where Did the Roanokians Go????
Truly horrible.
Recently John White, the governor of Roanoke, returned to the colony on Roanoke Island after fetching supplies in England only to find his family and over 100 others missing.
John says:
“I thought I had gone mad. What once was a small village was now nothing. You would never have known there were ever planters [settlers] living there. The only trace of existence was...
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Portrait Hall of Fame!!
We weren’t sure so we gave it both!!! LOLz.
This is supposedly a self-portrait of Catarina van Hemessen when she was twenty years old. Or is it actually a creepy vampire boy??? We can’t tell!
Catarina van Hemessen was the first female Flemish painter and also famous for creating the first self-portrait ever. She was trained by her well-known artist father, Jan Sanders van...
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Taking Over 1 Colony at a Time, Bitchessss
Well, if this doesn’t excite you, check your pulse because you’re probably dead!!!
The first English colony has been established on Roanoke Island in the New World. The entire relocation was organized and FUNded by Sir Walter Raleigh.
Handsome and wealthy?? Is he single??? LOLz. Let us know when you guys have an island warming party, because we’ll be on the first boat there!!
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Welcome to Vespucci World ??
Where were you, Vespucci, when we took the boat out last weekend?? We could of used some help!
The Italian explorer Amerigo Vespucci has been sailing all over the globe and recently visited the land John Cabot claimed for England. While visiting, Vespucci came up with some pretty bold theories. He claims that this new land might not be part of Asia as originally presumed - but could belong to a...
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John Cabot Claims New Land for England
We bet John Cabot is having a good day!!! LOLz.
King Henry VII commissioned explorer John Cabot to sail across the ocean in search of new land to claim for England. What John found, no one could have expected. He discovered miles and miles of uninhabited land, which is probably part of Asia. No name has been given to it yet.
We are shocked. We didn’t even know there was more left to...
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Columbus Miscalculates Degrees of Longitude
Ummm, didn’t he bring a compass???
With the Spanish crown behind him, explorer Christopher Columbus set off for the East Indies trying to reach the spice trade in Asia before Spain’s rivals. But sources close to the Spanish Crown say he never made it.
Sources say:
“He [Chris] tried to sail to the East Indies but ended up on some island called the Bahamas instead. After years...