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Omg, we’re sooooo excited!!

Our favorite seXXXy knight was just released from the Tower of London. Now he’s off to do courageous knight things like conduct an expedition to Venezuela to search for the El Dorado. We don’t know what that means but it sounds mysterious!!

Take us with you, we’ll be good we promise!!!

Well, they sure didn’t waste any time!

For anyone who cares, newlyweds PocaHOntas and John Rolfe are having a baby! 

We’re not good at math or anything, but their announcement came awfully soon after their wedding. We wonder if they cheated a little bit by fornicating before PocaHOntas was baptized and they were officially married. Hmmm…

We bet they’re soo excited. We wish we could say the same!! 

Left: Mary Queen of Scots (executed for treason)
Right: Anne Knollys (sister of Anne Boleyn, executed for treason by her husband, King Henry VIII)

Good thing that mirror isn’t floor length or she’d have a heart attack!!! Just look at that BIG nasty butt!!

Peter Paul Rubens painted this oil painting, “Venus at a Mirror”, which he is presenting as the “ultimate symbol of beauty”.

We’re not sure if he’s JKing, but if this is beauty we WANT to be ugly!! And what’s with the floating headless lady in the corner?! SpOoOoky.

Do U think PPR’s depiction of Venus is a symbol of beauty?

We bet his first wife is crying in Heaven after hearing this news!

John Rolfe, well-known for planting the first tobacco crops in the New World, is marrying the daughter of a local Indian chief. As if marrying the enemy isn’t bad enough, his fiancé isn’t even Christian!!

Here’s an excerpt from a letter he wrote to the father of the bride:

“Motivated by the honor of our country, for the Glory of God, for my own salvation… namely PocaHOntas, to whom my hearty and best thoughts are, and have been a long time so entangled, and enthralled in so intricate a labyrinth that I was even a-wearied to unwind myself thereout.”

Barf. We all know he just wants some ass without looking like a sinner! Say your prayers, Johnny!

This place is cursed!!

After months of supply shortages, the people of Jamestown have called it quits. The few remaining survivors of the once promising settlement are packing up and sailing back to their REAL home.

Well, the New World was a nice idea while it lasted. See ya soon, morons!

UPDATE: Soon after they set sail for home, they met ships coming from England carrying supplies and new settlers. King James I doesn’t want his colony abandoned - even if they’re suffering.

Dick!

Our music prayers have been answered!! If you haven’t already heard, Thomas Ravenscroft wrote a new song about blind mice and it’s soooo good.

The lyrics are:

“Three Blinde Mice,
Three Blinde Mice,
Dame Iulian,
Dame Iulian,
the Miller and his merry olde Wife,
she scrapte her tripe licke thou the knife. ”

Finally something NEW in the music scene! Hopefully he will perform live in our area soon.

Keep the songs coming, bb!!

Good grief, can’t these guys catch a break??

A fire has apparently destroyed most of the Jamestown colony and it’s the middle of January!! It’s going to take months before repairs are completed.

We hope they know how to quilt because they’re going to need a TON of blankets!!!